Hogwarts and Hairspray
by jessibelle francesca
Summary: Not even really powerful wizards can defeat the powers of boy bands!
1. WhY bAd ThInGs HapPeN 2 gOod PeOpLe

Okay. Pretty corny summary, I know. So here it goes again. Hogwarts has been abducted by celebrities and strange people while the rest of the staff are just…gone I guess. See how life is like at Hogwarts with the new staff…  
  
Chapter One:  
  
As the three musketeers (Harry, Ron, Hermione) got off the Hogwarts Express, they realized something had gone terribly wrong at Hogwarts. Instead of seeing Hagrid leading the first years to the lake to go to the castle, he was replaced by a skinny white boy with blond hair.  
  
"Harry, why've stopped?" Ron asked, bumping into Harry.  
  
"Who the hell is that guy?" Harry asked, worriedly.  
  
"Huh? Oh, I bet he's the new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher," Hermione said.  
  
"Don't tell me he's a Lockhart clone," Ron said, pathetically.  
  
"Shut up, Ron. If you two are so curious to know who he is, then go ask him!" Hermione demanded.  
  
"Forget it. I bet Dumbledore'll tell us who he is at the Feast," Harry said.  
  
"I give it two weeks for Hermione to fall for him," Ron whispered to Harry.  
  
"I give it a week and a half."  
  
The three of them got out of the carriage used by second years and up, and rushed to the Great Hall.  
  
"Holy Buckets!" Harry said.  
  
"What!" Hermione and Ron asked in unison.  
  
"Where the bloody hell is Dumbledore, Hagrid, McGonagall, Snape and the rest of the damn staff?" Harry asked.  
  
"Who the hell is that pretty boy in Dumbledore's seat?" Ron asked.  
  
"Who ever he is, he is quite handsome," Hermione blushed.  
  
"Oh shut up!" Ron said.  
  
"If everyone could take a seat, I'd give you the answer to all your puzzled faces," the pretty boy spoke up.  
  
"Oh bloody hell, he's American!" Ron spoke.  
  
"Hey, I know who he is!" Hermione said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yeah, he's muggle. He's…"  
  
"Thank you for all taking your seat," the blond interrupted Hermione. "I am Justin Timberlake, your new headmaster. You…" Justin stopped and squinted at a book entitled 'Wizard Talk For Dummies'. "You muggles might know me as the cute and stunningly handsome, egotistic, hair maniac "hottie" from the boy band *NSYNC. As for you wizards, I am the cute and stunningly handsome, egotistic, hair maniac "hottie" from the muggle boy band *NSYNC."  
  
Everyone stared at him with a baffled and confused look. "Anyway, let me introduce your new Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, Lance Bass. And your new Potions teacher, JC Chasez, your Charms teacher, Cartmen from South Park, your Divination teacher, Britney Spears, your Arithmancy teacher, Timmy from South Park, Muggle Studies, Alf, Ancient Ruins with Mayor McCheese, Broomstick and Flying lessons with Obi Wan Kanobi and your new gamekeeper and Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Jimmy from South Park. You have three new classes. They are: Archery with Professor Legolas Greenleaf, Dance with me, Justin Timberlake, and Drama with Professor Chasez (sighs) again. You also have Herbology with Mr. Mackey, Transfiguration with Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, and Astronomy with Kenny, from South Park. Your new nurse will be Mandy Moore, librarian will be the band camp girl from American Pie, and your caretaker is Joey Fatone."  
  
  
  
How's it so far? Pretty corny, huh? Don't worry; I'll make it better somehow. Sorry and no offense to y'all *NSYNC lovers or nothing cuz I like them too, a little. You will only get the part about Cartmen, Obi Wan, Alf, and Mayor McCheese if you watched SNL (Saturday Night Live) with Josh Hartnett. And yeah, Legolas is in 'Lord of the Rings'. I put him in there because I wanted to. What? The guy who played him in the movie was HOT! You don't have to review how corny this story was. 


	2. ThE fIrSt DaY

Chapter Two: The First Day  
  
After the Sorting Feast, everyone at Hogwarts was disappointed. Students-because of Hogwarts' facelift. Teacher-because no one asked for their autographs. The next day, the Gryffindors had DADA. Everyone was saddened because they had Professor Bass.  
  
"Good morning class! I am Professor Bass, your DADA teacher. He, he! Let's all take a seat. Good, good. It's my understanding that Professor Lupin has taught you all about boggarts," Professor Bass said.  
  
Ah, Lupin. I wish he were here instead of that fruit basket head, Harry thought. It was then that Bass had realized who was sitting in front of the class. Oh great, Harry though, pathetically.  
  
"Eek! It's you, it's really you! Harry Potter! Ahh! Can I have your autograph? I read all FOUR of your books!" Bass said, grabbing a Sharpie and a copy of 'Prisoner of Azkaban' from his desk.  
  
"NO," Harry said, flatly.  
  
"But, but…I love you! You are the greatest wizard in the world! Why, why won't you sign my book?" Bass let out a wailing scream.  
  
"All right! You fucking crybaby. There you happy?" Harry said as he just scribbled HP.  
  
"Thank you Mister Potter," Bass said, bowing at Harry's feet. He then ran up to a wardrobe. To the class' surprise, he started to scream…"Ah! A boggart. Ah, help! We're all gonna die!"  
  
"That's not a boggart you bloody idiot. That's a cloak. You're cloak you damn dumbass," Ron said, looking at the cloak, blankly.  
  
After Bass fainted and regained consciousness, class ended.  
  
"Ron, Harry! See ya. I have Arithmancy with Professor Timmy," Hermione said, disgustedly.  
  
"Bye Hermione!" the two said. They finally reached the North Tower and took a seat at the newly hot pink classroom.  
  
"Professor Trelawney should have seen that the new headmaster was gonna change her room. Oh wait, that's right, she's a fraud," Ron said, taking a seat next to Harry and Neville. There was a long awkward silence before…  
  
"Hello boys and girls. I am Britney Spears, your Divination teacher. Now let's begin. Ohhh, pretty crystal ball. Whoops! I dropped it, oh well," Spears said. "Dang, now I have now make-up mirror. You there! Boy with the red hair. Tell me, does this cloak make me look horrible and fat?" she pointed at Ron.  
  
"Well, it makes your boobs look lopsided, but no it doesn't ruin your figure, Professor," Ron said.  
  
"Oh well. Oops, my cell phone is going off. Hello? Hi Justy! Man, this reception's bad. Bye Justy!" Britney said, hanging up her phone.  
  
" Professor could I ask you something?" Harry said.  
  
"Sure, what do you need, Neville Longbottom?" Spears said, squinting at the list of student names.  
  
"Yeah, right. Er, why did Hogwarts fire the old staff and hired retards like you all?"  
  
"Interesting question. I don't know," she said.  
  
"And why do you have a cell phone when the whole school's bewitched to not allow such things like cell phones or pagers," Harry asked.  
  
"Good question. I have no clue. Now on to IMPORTANT ISSUES…"  
  
After a whole hour of listening to Professor Spears talk about how baby blue eye shadow NEVER matches glittery dark brown lipstick, the class was over.  
  
"Where are we off to now, Harry?" Ron asked as they reached the Great Hall for lunch.  
  
"Er, after lunch we have Potions with Chasez, then Archery with Legolas Greenleaf. Hey, isn't he in Lord of the Rings?"  
  
"Yeah, I guess so."  
  
"Then why the hell is he teaching Archery in Hogwarts. And why is there Archery in Hogwarts?"  
  
"Well, Timberlake is kinda off for a headmaster. Don't you think the stupid ass would do things like invent a class entirely based on Archery?"  
  
"Good point. And after Archery, Care of Magical Creatures, and then we have Dance class?"  
  
"What the fuck!"  
  
"RON!" Hermione yelled from the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Dance class, Hermione. Dance class. What the hell was this lunatic thinking! Dance class. Ugh, he's worst than Lockhart!"  
  
After Ron and Hermione debated why dance class is good and bad, they went off to Potions…  
  
  
  
Well, that's the second chapter. I know it really sucks, but I need help! My friend is gonna do the Archery class for me, so I think it will be stupid. Sorry to all boy bands and Britney Spears fans. And remember that I am not J.K. Rowling so I didn't make up the characters. I just made up the storyline and stuff. So, hehe. 


	3. Whacked Up Potions...

Ok, this chapter was made by my friend, um, um, Marth. This will be in the SCRIPT format. So don't think that I was stupid and changed the format. So here it goes…  
  
(Ron, Hermione, and Harry are sitting in Potions class, looking around impatiently. The bell for the start of the class had rung TEN minutes ago.)  
  
HARRY: (looking all around for him) Where is he?  
  
(Suddenly, the door opens with an alarming creak. A young man stands there. He has rather ugly brown hair (cough) and a small goatee. This, ladies and gentlemen, is JC Chasez [shaa-zay, if you don't know how to say it] from that oh-so-famous-band, *NSYNC.)  
  
JC (looking around): Ah-ha!  
  
Hermione: Er, what?  
  
JC: I knew it! I WAS going on the right road! Justin said no, I wasn't I was taking a wrong turn, that I was heading toward the steakhouse instead, but ha! Guess he's wrong! Yay!  
  
(Everyone in the class looks at each other, confused; JC goes raving on.)  
  
JC:…and then he said, 'no, JC,, you're going the wrong way, you have to make a left, not go straight…'  
  
RON: Er, can we get on with the lesson, Mister…Mister…  
  
JC: Shaa-zay.  
  
HERMIONE: Pardon?  
  
JC: Shaa-ZAY.  
  
HARRY: I'm sorry?  
  
JC: (exasperated): SHAA-zay!  
  
RON: Really sorry, sir, didn't catch that.  
  
JC: Oh, never you mind.  
  
(He goes over to the board and writes CHASEZ on the board.)  
  
JC: There. That's my name. Got that?  
  
DEAN THOMAS: Huh? Chaah-sez?  
  
JC: Errgh! Just take out your books, everyone.  
  
RON: Are you our Potions master, then?  
  
JC (sarcastically): No. I'm your girlfriend.  
  
(RON and HARRY look at each other, confused.)  
  
JC (rolls his eyes): No duh, I'm your Potions master.  
  
1 **WHOP**  
  
(RON smacks JC upside the head. [Go, Ron!])  
  
RON: Silence, monkey!  
  
(He goes back to his desk. JC scowls, rubbing his head.  
  
JC: Fine. (Clears his throat) Today we will learn how to make…  
  
(He writes CRACK on the board.)  
  
HERMIONE: Isn't that illegal.  
  
JC: No.  
  
(DRACO MALFOY grins happily.)  
  
HARRY: Riiiight.  
  
(He smacks JC upside the head too.)  
  
**WHACK**  
  
JC: OW! Well, now, class, please put the following ingredients in your cauldron…  
  
TEN MINUTES LATER  
  
JC: All right, it should be done by now. You can all try out the effects of your drugs-er-potion now.  
  
PAVARTI PATIL: Er, how do we…? I mean, we can't drink it; it's not in liquid form…  
  
FRED WEASLEY (not noticing he's in the WRONG class) : Yeah, it's just some…white…powder.  
  
JC: Ah yes, that can happen. Now, what you do is this…  
  
(He goes over to HARRY'S cauldron and promptly inhales the lot of HARRY'S concoction. A dreamy sort of expression passes over JC's face.  
  
JC: Ah yes, Harry, excellent stuff. Five hundred points to Gryffindor…  
  
MALFOY: Hey!  
  
JC: Oh look, it's a talking kitty…  
  
(He goes over to MALFOY'S desk and pats MALFOY on the head. MALFOY looks quite angry.)  
  
MALFOY: Why you---!  
  
RON: Uh, is that what we do?  
  
FRED (shrugs): You heard the man.  
  
(RON inhales the powder in his cauldron.)  
  
RON (dreamily): Whooaaa…  
  
(Suddenly, the background of the classroom fades away and is instantly replaced by a psychedelic sort of background. Instead of the students, BUNNIES and BUTTERFLIES replace the people in the room.)  
  
RON: Oh look! Harry!  
  
(For some reason, HARRY is in a BUNNY MASCOT costume.)  
  
HARRY: Huh?  
  
(You did of course realize that this was in Ron's imagination, right? So Harry really isn't a bunny, and-oh whatever, just get on with it.)  
  
HERMIONE: (dressed in a BUTTERFLY outfit for some odd, odd reason, taking Ron by the arm: Er, Ron? Ron? Can you hear us?  
  
RON: Rainbows…and unicorns…  
  
JC: And talking pigs?  
  
And talking pigs…yes…(turns to Harry) You should try this too.  
  
HARRY: I can't, because he (points a big furry bunny-paw at JC) sniffed all mine.  
  
RON: I'll bet he did, pretty bunny…(pets Harry on the nose)  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, come on, we have to go to Archery….  
  
(She drags RON away. HARRY skips after them.)  
  
How'd you like it? There more to come! 


	4. Achery and Why Wizards Don't Need It...

*NOTE: This part kinda makes fun of the HP movie...if you don't like it, fine with me. This is what happens I drink too much Mountain Dew... We did not make any of these characters up, unless maybe our names (Marth and Lord of the Snitch) are both J.K. Rowling and we wrote all of the Harry Potter books ourselves, but we did not. And we did not make up the "real" characters like Justin Timberlake or whatever, so HA!  
  
Int. Archery Class (what?)  
  
(LEGOLAS GREENLEAF stands waiting for the kids to arrive. What he doesn't notice is that it's raining-and storming- and that he's likely to get a severe chill if he stands out in the rain like that-and that the rain is slowly getting into his eyes- his spiffy elfish clothes are getting all damp and ruined--)  
  
LEGOLAS: I get the point!  
  
(Er, right...anyhoo, wet, bedraggled [big vocabulary, isn't it], and muddy, the Potter Posse drag themselves gloomily up to LEGOLAS.)  
  
LEGOLAS: Took you long enough!  
  
RON: Well sorry id we couldn't run lightning-fast through all this mud...(shakes his head and sprays HERMIONE with even more water)  
  
HERMIONE: Why you--! (kicks RON in the shin)  
  
HARRY: Hey, that looks like fun! (also kicks Ron in the shin)  
  
RON: Stop it!  
  
LEGOLAS: Can I try?  
  
RON: No!  
  
LEGOLAS: Oh fine then. Fooey on you!  
  
RON: (sticks out his tongue at LEGOLAS, who tries and fails to shoot him with an arrow)  
  
RON: Aw, F-censored! -K (hits HERMIONE with a plate of candied yams)  
  
LEGOLAS (clearing his throat): Now class, as you know, today we'll be learning archery.  
  
(Chorus of "Awws" from the group.)  
  
LEGOLAS:...and today we'll be learning to shoot each other.  
  
CLASS: YAY! (they start kicking mud at each other)  
  
LEGOLAS: Why you--!  
  
CLASS: Aw...  
  
LEGOLAS: All right, the school has generously provided you all with bows and arrows-rather cheap though, if you ask me--but they'll do. So what you do with them is--  
  
(Everyone in the class looks at each other, bewildered. LEGOLAS scowls.)  
  
LEGOLAS:--well, PICK THEM UP FIRST! Duhh!  
  
(The class shrugs and picks up the bow-and-arrow sets on the floor.)  
  
LEGOLAS: Now, to string your bow...you must pull this through this, and poke this through here, and put this in this, and tie this to that, and...  
  
Everybody looks at each other again, even more confused.)  
  
LEGOLAS (cont.): Oh heck, just give them here.  
  
(He proceeds to string everyone's bow for them. HARRY soon has a spiffy new bow in his hands. Only problem--he doesn't know how to use it.)  
  
HARRY: Er...  
  
LEGOLAS: Now, you take the bow, and WHAM! You fire an arrow at someone! Won't that be fun?  
  
MALFOY: Yeah, if we were blond Elves with cool powers of intuition. We're only scrawny little kids here, so get to the point.  
  
(CRABBE and GOLYE chuckle like the stupid, boring characters they are.)  
  
LEGOLAS: I suppose that's all Chris Columbus' fault...  
  
(CRABBE and GOLYE chuckle like the stupid, boring characters they are.)  
  
HARRY: Yeah, I might as well tell all of you now, I'm basically only staying for the second movie--I have to go, before I reach puberty.  
  
(CRABBE and GOYLE chuckle like the--)  
  
*THWACK*  
  
(OW!)  
  
LEGOLAS: Stop making them chuckle like the stupid, boring characters they are! I hate it when people chuckle!  
  
(All right! Jeez! It's not my fault; I'm only being paid $3.525 an hour here!)  
  
LEGOLAS: Well, it's a lot more than what I'm getting.  
  
(Can we get back to the story here?!)  
  
HARRY: Fine. By the way, can you call me Dan instead of Harry? It really annoys me when people say, "Hey look, its Harry Potter!" when my real name is Daniel Radcliffe...  
  
LEGOLAS: No.  
  
HARRY: Well, isn't that a pisser.  
  
LEGOLAS: All right, let's get on with it. I want you all to shoot this apple off of Longbottom here's head.  
  
NEVILLE (cowers in fear):...  
  
LEGOLAS: Ready? One...two...  
  
(NEVILLE shrieks like a little girl and dives under a table. Arrows fly past his head.)  
  
RON: Hey, that WAS fun!  
  
MALFOY: Let's do it again!  
  
(CRABBE and GOYLE chuckle like the stupid, boring characters they--)  
  
*SHWING*  
  
LEGOLAS: What did I just tell you?!  
  
(All right, all right. Sheesh! Do you people want me to BLEED?)  
  
HARRY: If you did, it would make the script a hell of a lot cooler.  
  
LEGOLAS: Hey, isn't this a PG script?  
  
HARRY: But if someone bleeds, it would be raised to PG-13! And if you cuss, it'll be raised to R! And if a few of us decide to get freaky in a broom closet, then this script could be NC-17!  
  
HERMIONE: What an age to be alive.  
  
(Suddenly, a PA system goes on. HEADMASTER TIMBERLAKE'S [cringes at the thought of Justin being headmaster] voice can be heard.)  
  
TIMBERLAKE (author cringes again): All right, everybody quit your lesson or something, there's a feast, blah, blah, blah...just run like idiots to the nearest doorway and proceed to our `Pretty Good' Hall. There'll be plenty of food for all of you fine students. [Author's note: Yes, Justin as so stupid that he decided that changing the "Great Hall" to the "Pretty Good Hall" would spice things up in Hogwarts. Anyway...proceed]  
  
(Everyone stops, listening hard to the intercom.)  
  
TIMBERLAKE: It's a good thing they're paying me a whole lot of money to be Headmaster [like he needs it], or else I'd be clearing out right now [I see why he needs it now.] Those sniveling little---what? Hey don't tell me to shut up! You shut up!  
  
(Muffled whispering can be heard in the background, could it be Lance...dun dun dun...)  
  
TIMBERLAKE: What do you mean, the PA's still on? Press the red button? What red button? Oh, this one? No? How about this one? Wait, never mind I see it. Here it--- [This, ladies and gentlemen, is a prime example of why we all believe Justin can't be qualified for Headmaster material...proceed]  
  
(There is a clicking noise, and the intercom shuts off abruptly.)  
  
HARRY: Well, that was interesting.  
  
(RON scratches his head, puzzled.)  
  
RON: Since when did we get a PA system installed?  
  
END OF CHAPTER...er...well, if you don't know, I am not about to tell you! So there... Kind of abrupt end, wasn't it? Don't worry; the next chapter will be even more stupid...if that's possible... 


	5. The Feast and the Troll

INT. THE `PRETTY GOOD' HALL  
  
(HARRY and his friends troop into the PRETTY GOOD HALL, where there is a magnificent feast [consisting of McDonald's cheeseburgers and fries] laid out on he tables.)  
  
HARRY: Hey, this looks...er...good.  
  
RON: Don't worry, it's all a marketing tool.  
  
HERMIONE: You think we might have our pictures plastered on KFC buckets next?  
  
HARRY: Whatever, but it's got to be better than this stuff. Look. (He points to a bag, which has a smiling picture of *NSYNC plastered on it.) I think it's more than a marketing tool Headmaster Timber-whatever-his-name than it is for us.  
  
(Suddenly, the doors to the Pretty Good Hall crash open dramatically. For some odd reason [plot device] it starts raining outside; thunder and lightning can also be heard quite clearly [yet again, another plot device] LEGOLAS rushes in, panting, and soaking wet. Convenient, eh?)  
  
LEGIONS OF LEGOLAS FANS IN THE AUDIENCE: Aww, poor, poor, Legolas.  
  
LEGOLAS: Shut up! I'm an elf! I don't want your sympathy!  
  
LOVESICK GIRLS: Aw, look how brave he is! (They burst into tears.)  
  
LEGOLAS (sighs): ...well, I have to get on with my scene, so here it goes...ahem...  
  
(Taking a deep breath, LEGOLAS starts waving his arms erratically.)  
  
LEGOLAS: TROLL! IN THE DUNGEONS! YES, ANOTEHR TROLL! EVERYBODY GET OUT QUICK BEFORE I GET OVERLY EXCITED!)  
  
(For a few moments, everybody just sits there, cheeseburgers raised halfway to their mouths.)  
  
LEGOLAS: ...thought you'd like to know. (Falls flat on his face)  
  
*WHACK*  
  
(There is a sickening crunching of some sort noise as LEGOLAS hits the floor.)  
  
LEGOLAS: OW! Dammit! I HATE that part!  
  
(LEGOLAS picks himself off of the floor and walks away, muttering under his breath.)  
  
HARRY: Should we--er--scream like little girls now?  
  
OLIVER WOOD: Apparently, yes.  
  
LOVESICK GIRLS: EEEK! OLIVER WOOD!  
  
HARRY: That's not what I meant by screaming like girls!  
  
OLIVER: Well, I guess you can all scream like schoolgirls, while I sit here and look incredibly handsome and important.  
  
HARRY: Fine with me.  
  
(Everybody in the Pretty Good Hall opens their mouths and starts screaming like little girls. OLIVER WOOD sits there, looking incredibly handsome and important, while everyone is screaming. HARRY, however, stops screaming before everyone else, and looks around.)  
  
HARRY: Hey, wait a minute, where's Hermione?  
  
RON: I think she went to the girl's bathroom.  
  
HARRY: Oh, crap.  
  
RON: Yeah, I know! Sometimes I think the girl's bathroom smells worse than the boys', but that's just my opinion...  
  
*WHACK*  
  
HARRY: That's not what I meant! Sheesh!...I meant that if Hermione went to the girl's bathroom, then there must be another troll in the loose, and we've got to save her AGAIN!  
  
RON: Aw, f--k!  
  
(HARRY and RON take their time walking very slowly to the girl's bathroom. They smell the smelly smell or something that smells smelly...er, in other words, they smell the smelly smell of the smelly old TROLL. Standing nonchalantly against the wall is Hermione.)  
  
HERMIONE: Well, get on with it then, we're wasting precious script paper here.  
  
HARRY: Quick! We've got to distract it!  
  
RON: Why?  
  
HARRY: How many times do I have to tell you, fool; we have to have a plot!  
  
RON: Oh. Good point. Oy! Pea-brain!  
  
(He throws a conveniently broken piece of pipe at the back of the troll's head.)  
  
*BONK*  
  
TROLL: Ooh!  
  
HARRY: Aw, fuck. (turning to Ron.) All right, you, I've got to do an overly suspenseful plot device now, so...er...steady as you go then!  
  
RON: What's that supposed to mean?  
  
HARRY: I don't know, but it makes me sound smarter.  
  
RON: Oh.  
  
(HARRY walks calmly up to the TROLL and kick it in the ankle.)  
  
HERMIONE: Now you've done it.  
  
(Roaring, the troll picks Harry up by the ankle and dangles him upside down in front of Ron and Hermione.)  
  
HARRY (still hanging upside down): Well, hurry up and cast your Wingardium-thingy-wingy spell already!  
  
HERMIONE (looking at her watch): Yeah, I'm missing some really good TV shows.  
  
HARRY (bellowing): THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!  
  
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK (popping out of nowhere): I'm Nearly Headless Nick!  
  
(RON sighs and shoots an arrow at Nearly Headless Nick.)  
  
NEARLY HEADLESS NICK: Fooey on you! (floats back through the wall)  
  
HARRY: Hurry and save me! I'm going to scream like a girl if you don't!  
  
RON: All right, all right! Wingardium Leviosa!  
  
HERMIONE: It's pronounced Win-ger-dium Levi-o-sa, Not Wingarduim Levio-sa!  
  
RON: Shut it, you!  
  
HARRY: Just use the Instant-Death-Curse already!  
  
RON: I can't!  
  
HARRY: Why not?!  
  
RON: We need to keep the plot moving, don't we? All right, lemme try again--Wingardium Levi-o-sa! There, Hermione, you happy?!  
  
(The TROLL'S club is yanked out of his hand and begins to rise VERY SLOWLY up in the air. After ten minutes, in which the audience [yes, there is an audience] is all sitting on the edges of their seats and drooling with the suspense, the club is still rising...still rising...yep, *still* rising...very slowly.)  
  
HARRY: Take your friggin' time, sweetheart!  
  
RON: Oh, hell. (takes out his bow and arrow set) Take this, you big...ugly...er...big, ugly, smelly...troll thing!  
  
(He shoots the TROLL in the shin with an arrow.)  
  
TROLL: Aagh! How did you know my shin was my one weak spot? Aah! I'm dying...I'm melting...no...I'm going pixilated! The CGI computer is malfunctioning!  
  
(The TROLL falls onto the floor, flickering crazily. HARRY, screaming like a little girl, drops several feet from where the TROLL had been dangling him and falls head first on the floor too. There is a nasty thud as he hits the floor.)  
  
HARRY: Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit!  
  
(Suddenly, there is a loud flushing noise from directly behind them. RON, HARRY, and HERMIONE stand terrified, wondering who was in the bathroom. HEADMASTER TIMBERLAKE emerges form one of the stalls, zipping up his...well...zipping up his zipper. [Jeez, what else did you want me to say?] Anyhoo, he sees the remains of the troll on the ground and lets out a piercing shriek)  
  
TIMBERLAKE: EEK!  
  
(LEGOLAS comes barging into the bathroom, but slips on some puddles of water on the floor. He ends up sliding across the tiles and crashing right into an opposite wall.)  
  
LEGOLAS: *Elvish Obscenities*  
  
TIMBERLAKE: What the fuzzy is THAT? (points to the troll)  
  
LEGOLAS (rubbing his head): Well, what does that look like? A troll, numbnuts!  
  
TIMBERLAKE: Ah--well--er--  
  
JAR JAR BINKS: Ooh, mooie, mooie!  
  
HARRY: Who the fuck are you?  
  
JAR JAR BINKS: I be yous potential marketing tool!  
  
HARRY: That won't be necessary.  
  
JAR JAR BINKS: Oy, mooie, mooie!  
  
HARRY: You don't need to see his ID.  
  
JAR JAR BINKS: I don't need to see his ID.  
  
RON (confused): Er, Harry? What are you doing?  
  
HERMIONE: Re-using the lines from Star Wars.  
  
RON: Ah.  
  
HARRY: This isn't the man you're looking for.  
  
OBI-WAN KENOBI: Damn straight! (takes out a can of beer and begins chugging it down)  
  
HARRY: Move along. (Does that nifty Jedi hand-wave thing)  
  
(JAR JAR BINKS' eyes sort of cloud over and he skips away, humming merrily to himself.)  
  
TIMBERLAKE: Well, we just wasted some valuable script paper. So--er----why don't you all skedaddle back up to your dormitories, and we'll let you all off with a ludicrously easy punishment...hey, let's pretend this never happened, okay?  
  
HARRY: Er...okay.  
  
(Shrugging, they walk out of the bathroom and back up to the dormitories.)  
  
HERMIONE: Should I have asked Obi-Wan Kenobi for his autograph?  
  
(RON hits her with a bowl of candied yams.)  
  
*WHACK*  
  
The end of an incredibly-boring-and-made-no-sense-chapter! 


	6. A Screwed Up Chapter

Chapter…er…uh…gee, I don't know.  Find out yourself!

INT. Outside (Hogwarts Grounds, idiot!)

(HARRY and his friends are waiting outside for the new Flying Lessons Instructor, Master—er—_Professor _Obi-Wan Kenobi.  **Fucked up school, man.  Fucked up school…)**

OLIVER WOOD (with an accent that sounds remarkably like John Lennon's **[nothing wrong with the accent]:** Yeah, yeah, bloody idiot.

(Shut it you, or I'll call down lighting from the sky to come down and strike you!)

OLIVER WOOD: Says who, yeh bloody American?!

*WHOP*

(Lightning comes down and strikes OLIVER, who falls down and lands I nthe grass with a faint sizzle sound.)

HARRY: Hey, wait a minute!  Lightning bolts don't go 'whop'!

(Shut I you, or I'll make lightning hit you too!)

HARRY: …

OLIVER: Bloody hell!  I'm leaving!

(OLIVER staggers away to his precious Quidditch-supply shed.)

RON: That was my line!  

RANDOM FAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Well, we can't even understand what you're saying half the time, with your confusing accents and all.

(RON throws a plate of candied yams at the RANDOM FAN, Alien Ant Farm—"Movies"—style.)

RANDOM FAN: Fuck!  (spills soda out of free Harry Potter merchandise cup [Why didn't _I _get one?!])

(Anyhoo, out comes OBI-WAN KENOBI, looking spiffy in a black cloak and his Jedi Robes.  I am not sure, but it looks like an Armani to me…All the girls in the class start giggling like crazy.)

HARRY (to RON): Have you got anymore plates of candied yams?

RON: Chris Columbus said my limit for the day is ten.  Sorry.

HARRY: FUCK!

(HARRY sighs exasperatedly now, as OBI-WAN comes to a halt in front of the group.)

HARRY: Um, Professor?

OBI-WAN: Yeeess?

HARRY: We already know how to fly on broomsticks.

OBI-WAN: I know.

HARRY: Then why do we have to learn it again?  I mean Ron's only gonna get hit in the head with his bloody broom, and Neville won't be able to control his so then I'd have to chase the bastard in the sky…Why do we need to learn again?

OBI-WAN: Because Chris Columbus said so.  Besides, I'm going for the third mive.

HARRY: Really? Who are you gonna play, Professor Obi-Wan Kenobi?

OBI-WAN: My name's not Obi-Wan Kenobi.  It's Ewan McGregor.

HARRYl Huh?  'Ee-yoo Wan?'

OBI-WAN: Yoo-wan!

HARRY: Whatever.  You're Scottish, I', English; same smell.

OBI-WAN ("Yoo-wan" McGregor): Actually, Scottish people like cuss a lot more.

HARRY: Damn!

OBI-WAN: I'm supposed to say that.

HARRY: Oh.

OBI-WAN: Anyway, I am actually going up for the role of Lupin.  You don't know him yet, but oh well.

HERMIONE (breathless): REALLY?!  You WLL?!

OBI-WAN: Yeah.  Go ahead and send some angry persuasive letters to Vhris Columbus, won't you?

HERMIONE: Oh, I will!  (giggles like a little schoolgirl.)

OBI-WAN: Now, if you excuse me, I have to cuss.  A-hem…SHIT, SHIT, SHIT!  FUCK FUCK, FUCKETY-FUCK!  BITCH FUCK, ASSHOLE, BASTARD, SHIT…Can you hear them?  They are shouting FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH, YOU ARE A PIECE OF SHIT YOU ASSHOLE MOTHER FUCKER…!

RANDOM FAN I THE AUDIENCE: Let's hear it for the Scottish dude!

OTHER FANS: YEAH!

OBI-WAN (clears throat with dignity and looks down at the not-so-miserable group of kids): Well, I guess we have to get down to business.  All right, everyone go over to your brooms, say, "up", or, er, whatever.

HARRY: Er…

OBI-WAN: Now mount your brooms.

(MALFOY, CRABBE, AND GOYLE snigger)

MALFOY: He said, "mount!" (sniggers stupidly)

OBI-WAN: Stupid kids!

(He raises his arm and points his hand in their direction.  MALFOY and his friends are suddenly lifted into the air.)

MALFOY: GAH!

OBI-WAN: How do you like _that_, pretty boy?  How do you like my freakish cool Jedi powers?

(He lowers his hand and MALFOY slams back to the ground.)

RON: Bloody brilliant, sir!

OBI-WAN: Hey, thanks.  

HARRY: Don't be fooled.  That's just a plot device.

OBI-WAN (looking confused): …

HARRY:--then again, you probably don't even know what a plot devices are, being that you are from Star Wars and all.

ARAGORN (from LORD OF THE RINGS, if you don't know...betcha don't'!): Being a character in a freakishly cool trilogy myself, I have to second that.

OBI-WAN: Hmm…well, we've really got to be going.  We don't want this movie to be—well, more than three hours long.

ME (the narrator, you fool!  Good Lord, man, pay attention!): Well, I do.  In fact, I think I'll send threatening letters to Chris Columbus right now to force him to make the movies longer, more detailed, and essentially, more boring for the five-year-olds who don't even know how to read!  Yeah, that's what I'll do! (storms off in a huff.)

DANIEL RADCLIFFE (Harry Potter—and you'd better no ask me to identify other characters, because I won't tell you!  Ha-ha!): Yeah, if the movie had been longer, I wouldn't have to go to school for a whole year!  SCORE!

RUPERT GRINT (don't even ask): Yeah, and I wouldn't have to say 'bloody brilliant' so much.

EMMA WATSON: I have to agree with them.

OBI-WAN: ARGH!

(Finally, after about half an hour, Obi-wan teaches them how to call their broomsticks to their hands.)

HARRY: But we don't have cool force powers.

LEGOLAS: Yeah, and you have no cool elf-intuition either.  (sticks out tongue, mockingly)

HARRY: Hey--!

OBI-WAN: You shut it.

LEGOLAS: Well, it's true, he doesn't.

HARRY: I am going to stick those arrows farther up your ass than light has ever penetrated!

LEGOLAS: Oh yeah, you little candy-ass punk?!

OLIVER WOOD (still with the Beatles accent): Yeah, yeh bloody idiots.

OBI-WAN: Clear off, will you?

CHRIS COLUMBUS: Guys, guys!  Can we get back to the story here?

(HARRY, OLIVER WOOD, LEGOLAS, and OBI-WAN lower their heads, say "Fine", and walk off like little kids.)

CHRIS COLUMBUS: Well that made no sense, whatsoever.

OLIVER WOOD (*still* with the Beatles accent): Damn, straight, yeh drunk son-of-a-bitch.

CHRIS COLUMBUS: Why you--!

*WHACK*

OLIVER: Hey, that REALLY hurt!

LEGIONS OF OLIVER WOOD FANS: Aww, poor poor Oliver!

OLIVER: You shut it!

LEGIONS: Look at that!  He's angry!

THE END-kinda abrupt…


	7. Wizard Dance

Authors' Note: Okay, see, now since I, **SNITCH48**, am writing the next few chapters or so, I decided to put it in regular story format…ENJOY!

Later that day, after their confusing, fucked up Flying Lessons situation, the Potter Posse head to the Gryffindor common room to change into their tights and leotards for their dance class.  

            "Hey, Harry, did you notice something odd?" Hermione asked.

            "Like how Ron's leotard is on backwards?" Harry replied.

            "No."

            "How Ron has pink leotards?"

            "No," Hermione said, getting quite irritated.

            "How Ron has _your_ leotards?"

            "NO!  Enough with the leotards!  Dammit!"

            "Okay, wait I got it.  Like how Ron has a third nipple?" 

            "No—wait, what?"

            "What third nipple?!" Ron asked worriedly, pressing his hand against whole body in search of the "third nipple".  

            "What are you talking about, Harry?  _I_ was talking about how we were supposed to be in Care of Magical Creatures but ended up in Flying Lessons."

            "Like Ron said, Hermione, that Timberlake fool _is _kinda off for a headmaster…or a human being."

            "Help me find it, Harry!" Ron said, still searching for the nipple.  

            "Silence, monkey!" Hermione said, smacking Ron's face.

            "Hey, that's my line!" Ron said, throwing plate of candied yams at Hermione.

            "I thought you said that you were limited to 10 yam plates a day," Harry said, confused.

            "I stole that from Malfoy," Ron said with a happy smile, pointing at the plate of yams on Hermione's face.

**MEANWHILE, at the Slytherin common room…**

"DAMMIT!  Who took my fucking yams!  Fucking bitch!"

            **BACK AT THE GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM…**

            "Nice job," Harry said.

            "Enough male bondage, you two; we have a class to attend!" Hermione said, picking the yams out of her hair.

            "Shall we start that wonderful debate on why dance class is nothing more than a waste of time?" Ron asked.

            "No," Hermione said.  

            "Five chocolate frogs say she'll fall for Timberlake," Ron told Harry in a whisper.

            "No thank you. She's too predictable.  She probably fell already," Harry said. 

DANCE CLASS.

Now, the Potter Trio travel to a tower they have never seen before.  Obviously, it was made my Justin Timberlake.  It had posters of him, *NSYNC, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, him, Ricky Martin, and more importantly, him.

            "What the hell?!" Harry said.  Harry and Ron looked around the room, terrified.  Hermione, on the other hand, was head over heels.  

            "Oh, look at this!  He is giving me the "peace" sign!" Hermione said, as she was caressing a poster of Justin on the wall.  As she did so, Harry and Ron was hearing a song being sung in the back of their head…  

**            (BEING SUNG): _This is hell, this is hell, this is hell, this is hell…_**

"Oh, Good Lord, I can't take anymore!" Ron said as Harry and Hermione stopped him from walking away.

            "WELCOME CLASS!  This is your very first dance class!  As you know I am the---"

            "Cute and stunningly handsome, egotistic, hair maniac, hottie, from *NSYNC.  We know already!" the rest of the class shouted, in a very tired way.

            "Yes, well…"Just said, turning a bit red.  "Er, right now we are going to, er, learn how to dance.  Now this is what you do.  First, you warm up.  Sp, warm up!" Justin said, punching the air with his fists.  "When you are done, you blah, blah, blah, blah—"

            "Oh, he is so dreamy and so cute," Hermione said, her eyes glowing with love.        

            "Cut the crap, Hermione.  He isn't _that _cute.  I mean he could do something with his hair," Ron said, in a mocking tone.

            "Shut up, Ron!  We have to respect Hermione's infatuations for every guy we meet—" Harry said.

            "Thank you, Harry," Hermione interrupted him.

            "—I mean it's not her fault she has to love those "silly-billies".  It's not our job to laugh at other people's misfortune," Harry continued as he and Ron laughed at Hermione.

            "You guys are such idiots!" Hermione said.  After going through a few routines, Hermione went to the front of the class to "get a better view of the dance steps".

            "Yeah, but I bet she went up to get a better view of Timberlake's ass," Ron said, trying to do the pelvic thrust.

            "Of course she did.  And I reckon after she is going to ask him for his autograph and a picture," Harry said, pivot and one of those leap-thingies that ballerinas do so much.  

            "Well, she_ is _trying awfully to hard to get his attention," Ron said, as they watched Hermione fall, _purposefully_, to get helped up by Timberlake.  "See, she pushed Lavender and Pavarti out of the way so that Timberlake would look at her."

            "Chicks," Harry and Ron said in unison.

            "Now, since you have mastered the dance steps, you can use them in the school's dance at Christmas!" Timberlake gleefully said.

            "What? A dance?  The bastard must be kidding!" Harry gasped.

            "WORD!  And you must memorize these dance steps, so we can dance them in front of the rest of the classes, OLD SKOOL!" Justin said.

"The man is a fucking lunatic!" Ron said when the class ended.  The three headed to the common room to change their clothes.  They were terrified of the humiliation they had to face if they hadn't.  

"Well, what do you think?  He's in a boy band!" Harry said.

"You guys are just jealous at the fact that Headmaster Timberlake is a much more intelligent man than yourselves.  And he is much more handsome than the two of you!" Hermione said, in a dignified way.  Ron and Harry couldn't hold it in anymore.  They laughed out loud.

"Ha! That man!  Intelligent?  Handsome?!  Hermione, for a brain like you, you sure are stupid!" Harry yelled.

"He's right, Hermione.  The nutcase is nothing more than a…nutcase!" Ron yelled.

…Now _that _was an abrupt ending…


	8. Quidditch

INT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS  
  
[HARRY is walking outside of Hogwarts (duhhh) with OLIVER WOOD, the handsome Scotsman who is also the Quidditch captain of the Gryffindor team who is also J-14's Most Likely To Be The Next Foreign Teen Idol Award Recipient who is also devilishly cute who is also devilishly single who is also devilishly devilish--]  
  
*WHACK*  
  
[OW!]  
  
OLIVER WOOD: Get on with it!  
  
[Jeez, all right. Anyhoo, HARRY is walking outside of Hogwarts (just in case you didn't get it the first time) with OLIVER WOOD. Need I repeat myself?]  
  
RON: You might.  
  
[You shut up, Weasley. You aren't even supposed to be in this scene.]  
  
RON: Why...why do you hurt me so? (runs away crying)  
  
HARRY (to OLIVER): Um...why am I forced to go through this Quidditch scene again?  
  
OLIVER (with a STRONG Scottish accent): Because yooou need too get ready for the gaame, Pohtter.  
  
HARRY: But I already know how to play Quidditch.  
  
OLIVER: Aw, shu' up, yeh big pile o' puke.   
  
[HARRY shuts up. OLIVER opens the Quidditch case of balls that was lying miraculously on the field. Hmm...]  
  
OLIVER: Noooww there are three kinds of balls, Pohtter. Thees one is called the Quaffle.   
  
[He throws a red, oddly shaped ball at HARRY. It hits him in the head.]  
  
OLIVER: You pile o' pyooke! Yoou were supposed to cahtch it!  
  
HARRY: Well jeez, I forgot.   
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Dan, you're going to need to shape up.  
  
HARRY: I thought you weren't referring to me as Dan. Does this mean somebody...listens to me? That I won't be ignored so heartlessly anymore? That I can actually get donuts on 'Donut Wednesday?'  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Actually, we're just tired of calling you "Harry." It's a lot of work to say the entire two syllables. I mean, we're that lazy. We just decided that Dan is a quicker name for you. NOW GET BACK TO WORK!  
  
OLIVER: Now there are three Chasers on each team. They have to fly through the air and try to put it in one of those three hoops. The Keeper-that's me [points to himself and looks devilishly devilish-]  
  
*WHACK*  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Get on with it, I say!  
  
OLIVER: Actually, I like being devilishly devilish-  
  
*WHACKITY*  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Did I ask for your opinion, you Scottish idiot?  
  
OLIVER: Jeez, Chris, you're mean.   
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Shut up or I'm docking your pay.   
  
OLIVER: Aww, Chris...  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: I'm warning you, Wood.  
  
[HARRY sniggers.]  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Think his name's funny, do you? No need to ask why.   
  
HARRY: Let me guess...you're going to say 'red hair, secondhand robes...'  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Uhh...no...  
  
*WHACKY WHACKY*  
  
CHRIS, HARRY, AND OLIVER: GAH! OW!   
  
[Just because you get to slap _me_ doesn't mean I can't slap _you,_ now does it?!]  
  
*POINK*  
  
[Dammit, if you keep hurting me you're going DOWN!]  
  
OLIVER: All right, all right! We need more plot devices anyway.  
  
[Screw this! We're going right into the Quidditch match!]  
  
OLIVER: Hey, wait! You can't do-  
  
EXT. QUIDDITCH FIELD  
  
OLIVER: Dammit!  
  
HARRY: How did we change into our Quidditch robes so quickly?  
  
OLIVER: Plot device.  
  
MADAM HOOCH: All right, I want a nice, clean game.  
  
HARRY: You know that's not going to happen.  
  
MADAM HOOCH: Yes, boy, I know. But I still want it. Now hurry up and mount your broomstick.   
  
[HARRY and OLIVER snigger.]  
  
MADAM HOOCH (pulling out her wand and pointing it at Oliver): Turn-Into-Scottish-guy-ius!  
  
*ZAP*  
  
[All of a sudden OLIVER's costume changes from Quidditch robes to a kilt.]  
  
HARRY: Good lord, Oliver, you've been turned into a Scotsman!  
  
OLIVER: Oh god! I'm doomed! [to HARRY] This is all your fault, you big pile o' pyooke.   
  
HARRY: Will you stop calling me a pile of puke?  
  
OLIVER: No.   
  
[Soon (well, soon enough) HARRY, OLIVER, and the rest of the HORRIBLE QUIDDITCH TEAM are on their brooms and in the air.]  
  
LEE JORDAN: ...  
  
[PROFESSOR MCGONAGALL hits him in the back of the head.]  
  
*THWACK*  
  
LEE JORDAN: ...Welcome to the first thirteenth annual once-in-a-lifetime Quidditch match! Today Gryffindor will be playing against...uh...Sly...Slih... screw it, the team with the green robes and the captain with the nasty teeth.  
  
MARCUS FLINT: Hey!  
  
LEE JORDAN: Let the Quidditch match begin!  
  
[MADAM HOOCH releases the balls. When she throws the Quaffle up in the air it hits HARRY in the face.]  
  
HARRY: Ow! Dammit!  
  
[MADAM HOOCH then releases the Bludgers. They both go toward MADAM HOOCH instead and hit her in the face.]  
  
MADAM HOOCH: *obscenities*  
  
LEGOLAS: Should've used your elf intuition to block that.  
  
MADAM HOOCH: I'm not an elf!  
  
LEGOLAS: What?...oh damn. I'm in the wrong movie again, aren't I?  
  
HERMIONE (swooning): No, you're not. You're in exactly the right movie, you handsome hunk you.  
  
LEGOLAS: Oh...all right. (sits down in the stands next to HEADMASTER TIMBERLAKE) Move over, you pretty boy American.  
  
TIMBERLAKE (blushing): Did you just call me pretty?   
  
LEGOLAS: It wasn't meant as a compliment.  
  
TIMBERLAKE: I'll pretend it was. (sits there humming merrily to himself)  
  
LEE JORDAN: Let the Quidditch game begin!  
  
HARRY: You already said that.  
  
LEE JORDAN: Yeah, but nobody heard me. Aren't you supposed to be sitting on your broom doing nothing?  
  
HARRY: What? ...oh yeah.   
  
[HARRY begins sitting on his broom doing nothing while everyone else on his team is playing feverishly. The Chasers on the SLYTHERIN TEAM are in possession of the Quaffle. MARCUS FLINT suddenly throws it at the GRYFFINDOR hoops when OLIVER WOOD pops out of nowhere and hits it away. He grins, looking incredibly handsome and important, and making all the girls in the audience giggle.]  
  
RABID OLIVER WOOD FANS: Teehee!  
  
MARCUS: Hey, that's not fair!  
  
OLIVER: Why not?  
  
MARCUS: How could he just pop out of nowhere?  
  
CHRIS COLUMBUS: Plot device. Duuhh.   
  
MARCUS: Screw this! I'm tired of plot devices! [grabs a Beater's bat] Take that!  
  
[He chucks it OLIVER, who, despite his lightning-fast moves before, fails to dodge safely out of the way. He gets hit in the stomach (causing the RABID OLIVER FANS to shriek and burst into tears) and falls onto the QUIDDITCH PITCH (hey that rhymes-Quidditch, pitch, Quidditch...okay, I'll shut up now).]   
  
OLIVER [facedown]: Gosh, that smarts.  
  
[Suddenly everyone's attention gets pulled away from OLIVER when HARRY sees the SNITCH. He tries to go into a dive, but his broom jerks alarmingly.]  
  
HARRY: Oh crap, not again.  
  
[Meanwhile, in the stands, HERMIONE is looking frantically at the stands with her binoculars. She focuses first on SNAPE, who is muttering feverishly. She doesn't notice QUIRRELL, who is holding a big, black, evil-looking book in his hands, is surrounded by blood-red flames, has little demons cackling and zooming around him, and has a portal to hell opening behind him. And just to add to that, a giant dragon's head is coming out of the portal and is roaring, 'WE'RE THE ONES JINXING HARRY'S BROOM!']  
  
HERMIONE: Look! Snape! He's the one jinxing Harry's broom!  
  
RON (yelling): But what about Quirrell? He's the one surrounded by the flames of evil!  
  
[HERMIONE then turns the binoculars on QUIRRELL. She gasps.]  
  
HERMIONE: Snape! That dastardly villain! He's cursing Quirrell too!  
  
RON: But-  
  
HERMIONE: Good day, sir!  
  
RON: But Quirrell--  
  
HERMIONE: I SAID GOOD DAY!  
  
[HERMIONE then rushes across the stands and gets to QUIRRELL astonishingly fast. Pulling out her wand, she mutters something under her breath. A small beam of light comes out of the tip of Hermione's wand and a bouquet of flowers plants itself in SNAPE's robes.]  
  
HERMIONE: Yesss! [sprints away]  
  
SNAPE [seeing the pretty flowers on the corner of his cloak]: What the--?  
  
RANDOM ODD-LOOKING TEACHER: Good gosh, Severus! Somebody's...dare I say it?...made you..._pretty!_  
  
SNAPE: Oh god! Get them off!   
  
[Screaming like a little girl, he tries to stomp the flowers out of his cloak. The other teachers join in merrily. LEGOLAS shoots an arrow at Snape, 'accidentally-on-purpose' missing and hitting TIMBERLAKE instead.]  
  
TIMBERLAKE: GAH!  
  
LEGOLAS (cheerfully): Whoops, my finger slipped.   
  
[The teachers "accidentally" (plot convenience) knock QUIRRELL into the portal to hell. The demons that were flying around him begin tearing at him with their claws.]  
  
QUIRRELL [getting sucked into the portal]: Well, isn't that a pisser.  
  
[QUIRRELL gets eaten by the dragon. (Ouch.) HARRY returns to the game. The SNITCH is hovering barely an inch from HARRY'S nose.]  
  
GRYFFINDOR HOUSE (in the stands): GRAB THE SNITCH!  
  
OLIVER WOOD (still lying like a sack of potatoes [dang, now I have a craving for potatoes] on the field): Yeah, GRAB THE SNITCH!  
  
GRYFFINDOR TEAM: GRAB THE SNITCH!  
  
LEGOLAS: STUPID AMERICANS!  
  
OBI-WAN KENOBI/EWAN MCGREGOR: Damn straight! [slurps from a bottle of liquor]  
  
HARRY: I CAN'T!  
  
EVERYONE IN THE STANDS: WHY NOT?!  
  
HARRY: BECAUSE THE PLOT CONVENIENCE SAYS NOT TO!  
  
EVERYONE IN THE STANDS: HUH?  
  
HARRY: THE SCRIPT YOU MORONS!  
  
EVERYONE IN THE STANDS: OH!  
  
[Suddenly the SLYTHERIN SEEKER flies up to HARRY. He makes a grab for the Snitch.]  
  
SLYTHERIN SEEKER: Yoink!  
  
*PLOT CONVENIENCE ALERT! EXTREME PLOT CONVENIENCE DANGER!*  
  
[Suddenly a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and hits the SLYTHERIN SEEKER.]  
  
*ZAP*  
  
SLYTHERIN SEEKER: Gosh, that smarts.  
  
[HARRY just waits there as if nothing happened.]  
  
SLYTHERING SEEKER: Jeez, you play like I think--  
  
[Long pause...]  
  
SLYTHERIN SEEKER: ...  
  
[Another long pause...]  
  
SLYTHERIN SEEKER: ...  
  
[Yet ANOTHER long, DRAMATIC pause (there's a difference!)]  
  
SLYTHERIN SEEKER: --slowly.


	9. Legolas Teaches Drama!

**Oh yeah, the setting...I'm guessing they can just go to Legolas' drama class again. :) This part is supposed to spoof 'Moulin Rouge'.  For those who have watched it, it's takes place at the part where they all sing 'Spectacular, Spectacular'.  And yes, Legolas has a drama class!  
  
(So, the play is set up, blah blah...here we go.)  
LEGOLAS: What's the story?  
RON: The story?  
LEGOLAS: Well, if I'm going to give it a grade, I need to know the story.  
RON: Ah yes. The story's about...uh...it's about...Oliver?  
(Oliver, who doesn't notice that he's in the wrong class, laughs nervously, making all the RABID OLIVER WOOD FANS in the audience giggle and shriek with delight.)  
OLIVER: It-it's about--it's about...  
HARRY: It's about (sounding as though he had too much 'special powder' if you know what I mean...and if you don't, then put a sock in it) maaagical dragons.  
LEGOLAS (skeptical): Magical dragons?  
OLIVER: And it's set in Scotland!  
RON: Exotic Scotland!  
HARRY: Magical tomatoes! It's set in the land of magical tomatoes! And there's a pool of jello. The most beautiful pool of jello in allthe world.   
(HERMIONE giggles for no good reason.)  
HARRY (cont): Now, in order to save itself from being eaten, the pool of jello has to let an EVIL snake-faced Dark Lord have a party around it. But, on the night of the party, it mistakes a penniless wizard--a penniless--a penniless recorder player, and it falls in love with him!  
(Nobody knows what Harry is talking about. Neither do I, if you're wondering.)  
(FRED steps in, again, not knowing that he's in the wrong class.)  
FRED: The penniless recorder player's recorder is magical. It can only sound horrible.   
GEORGE (play along with me here!): I will play the magical recorder! (blows ear-piercing note and turns to OLIVER) You are beautiful.  
(OLIVER giggles like a little girl.)  
GEORGE (cont, to SNAPE): You are ugly.  
(SNAPE bursts into tears and runs away. GEORGE looks at a piece of meat lying on the ground.)  
GEORGE (cont): And you are a piece of meat!  
(Everybody gasps.)**


End file.
